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The Dearest 
Thing in Boots 




MAC KENZIE 

PAINE PUBLISHING CO. 

DAYTON. OHIO 


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Paine Publishing Co., Dayton, Ohio 



The Dearest Things 
in Boots 



BY 

EDNA I. MAC KENZIE 



AUTHOR OF 

"Susan Gets Ready for Church" 

"As Our Washivoman Sees It" 

"That Awful Letter" 

"The Unexpeoted Guest" 

"Gladys Revieios the Dance" 

'The Country Cousin Speaks Her Mind" 

"I'm Engaged" 

"Ask Ouija" 



COPYRIGHT, 1922. BY L. M. PAINE 



PAINE PUBLISHING COMPANY 

DAYTON, OHIO 



^-3.1^ 



The Dearest Thing in Boots 



OAIST OF CHARACTERS 

Mr. Wilson, proprietor of a ladies' shoe store. 

Jack Wilson, his son. 

Betty Moffatt, the dearest thing in boots. 

Miss Firmrock, a suffragette, 

Mrs. Atkins, an anti-suffragette. 

Mrs. O'Brien, a practical socialist. 

Time of Playing, about forty-five minutes. 



COSTUMES 
Mr. Wilson and Jack wear business suits. 

Betty Moffat wears a dainty summer dress and hat, has high- 
heeled pumps and carries a gay parasol. 

Miss Firmrock wears an extremely mannish costume. Her boots 
are very large and low heeled. 

Mrs. Atkins' costume is cheap and slouohy, but extreme in style. 
Her shoes are run-down at the heel. 

Mrs. O'Brien wears a gaily trimmed hat and a flowered print dress. 



OCT 24 '22 



The Dearest Thing in Boots 

SCENE 
The front room of Mr. Wilson's store used for fitting siioes. A 
long table piled with boxes is down stage L, a small table with 
cash box, books, paper and cord down stage R, a couple of chairs 
and foot rests at C, doors at R and L. Me. Wilson is discovered 
leaning against table at R while Jack is straddling a chair. 

Mr. Wilson : It's been a whole week, Jack, since you first 
came into the store, so if you've been keeping your ears 
and eyes open, you wiill have caught on to some of my 
methods. 

Jack : Take it from me, dad, I have. They are in a class 
by themselves. Summed up briefly, as the minister says, 
they are [checks each point on fi7igers] : Firstly, soak 
a customer for all she's worth, or you think she's worth. 
Secondly, if a shoe is too expensive, take off a cent or 
two. Thirdly, if it is too cheap, which doesn't happen 
very often, take it to the rear where you change the 
price but not the shoe, bring it back and tuck on a dollar 
or two. Fourthly, always side in with everything a 
customer says, even if she insists that the moon is made 
of green cheese. Fifthly, always, always, — oh, what does 
my thumb say, dad? I've run out. 

Mr. Wilson: Never fail to make a sale, that's what it 
says. 

Jack: That's it. I knew it was something like that. Do 
you want me to start on the other hand, now? 

Mr. Wilson: No, that will do to begin with. I'm glad 
you've been keeping your ears and eyes open so well. 
Now, I hope you use your tongue to as good advantage. 
Since the only way to learn the shoe business is to stand 
firmly on your own feet, I'm going to let j^ou get your 
first experience this afternoon in waiting on customers, 
by yourself. I will not interfere unless I see that you 
are going to lose a sale. 

Jack [kicking over footrest] : Lose a sale? Not on your 
life! Just see me put it all over the dears until they'll 



4 THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 

be tumbling over each other to buy. Leave it to your 
Uncle Dudley. [Fixes fooirest mid resumes former posi- 
tion.] 

Mr. Wilson : It 's been a whole week, Jack, since you first 
came into the store, so if you've been been keeping your 
ears and eyes open, you will have caught on to some 
of my methods. 

Mr. Wilson : Don't be so sure, young man. There's many 
a spill between the dollar and till and women are per- 
nickety things to handle at any time. [Bell ti^ikles.] 
Here comes your first customer. Good luck. [Exit 

door L.] 

Jack [cranes neck towards door R] : If it isn't Betty 
Moffat, the dearest thing in boots. [Jumps up hastily, 
overturning chair.] I'm going to sell her the peaohiest 
shoes in the whole establishment, the little queen ! 

Enter Betty door R. 

Betty: Why Jack, are you here? I didn't even know you 
had started to work. 

Jack [replaces chair] : Well, I like that! I'd like you to 
know that I have worked more or lesis all my young life. 

Betty: Principally less. I'd imagine. 

Jack [hits his head] : Did you say this was a slammy day? 
Well, I have started to work in earnest this afternoon 
for dad has given me the job of waiting on all the 
customers and you're the first. 

Betty: Am I really? I'm so glad. 

Jack: The pleasure is all mine and — the shelling out all 
yours, [Draws himself up pompously .] And what can 
I do for you, madam? 

Betty [giggles] : Oh Jack, you're too funny for words. 
I want to buy a pair of dancing slippers. Have you any 

nice ones ? 



THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 5 

Jack: It's a mighty good thing you asked for the nice 
ones because we're out of the other kind. Then you're 
going to the dance tonight? Save me a dozen or two, 
won't you? 

Betty [lewns parasol against table R It falls doivn and 
both collide in picking it up] : Oh, look at my hat ! It's 
all crooked. [Fixes it.] Is it on straight now? 

Jack: No, it's tilted a little to the left side. 

Betty: Then it is on straight. [Takes mirror from vanity 
bag and tilts hat farther.] There, it's all right now. 

Jack [aside] : I never knew that crooked meant straight 
before, but one is always learning. [Aloud.] You didn't 
say whether you'd save me those dances. 

Betty [coquettishly] : I may save you one or two, I'll 
think about it. 

Jack: Put your whole mind to it, then. Now just take 
this chair. I'm the doctor. And what size do you take? 

Betty: Two's and a half. 

Jack: By jove, but you have mighty dainty little feet! 

Betty [pleased] : Do you think so? 

Jack: I don't think, I know. It will be no feat to fit 
them. [Takes a box from table and brings it over.] Here 
is just the very thing you want. [Takes out slippers.] 
Aren't they classy? Let me try one on. 

Betty [kicks off piimp] : They are rather nice, aren't 
they? [Puts foot on footrest. Jack tries to put slipper 
on, but fails.] 

Jack: These are too small, Betty. You'll need a half size 
larger. [He starts to go towards table L.] 

Betty [indignantly] : They're not a bit too small. I 
, never take a larger size than that. [Jerks slipper on.] 
There, you see / can get it on. I think you're real mean, 
trying to make out that I have big feet. 



© THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 

Jack: Upon my soul. [Hits sole of hoot.] Betty, I'm not 
doing anything of the kind. You have the dearest little 
feet I have ever seen, but you can see for yourself that 
that slipper is too tight. I'd hate to have you get a 
horrid corn for somebody to trample on and — 

Betty [jumps up angrily] : The very idea! There's only 
one boy I've danced with who's ever trampled on my 
feet and you're not going to get the chance tonight, so 
there! [Stamps foot with slipper on, grimaces and Jiops 
on one foot.] Ouch! 

Jack: What's the matter? 

Betty: I — I — oh, I turned on my ankle. It's weak you 
know. 

Jack: It wasn't the slipper's fault, was it? 

Betty [indignantly] : Of course it wasn't; the very idea, 
as though it could hurt anything, [Goes behind his 
bach, takes off slipper and rubs her toes.] 

Jack: But that slam you gave me, you didn't mean what 
you said, did you ? 

Betty: What about? 

Jack: Why, my dancing, and — 

Betty : I do, I mean every word of it. 

Jack: Well. I'm sorry, Betty, if I have offended you. 
Take these if you want to. All I can say is that I'd hate 
to have to stand in your shoes. 

Betty : I tell you they're not too small, they We not, they're 
not, they're not! But I'll not take them nor any other 
either. [Sits down, takes off slipper and puts on her 
own.] You can keep your old slippers. 

Enter Mr. Wilson from door L. 

Mr. Wilson: You'll have to make allowance for this new 
clerk of mine. Miss Moffat. You see you're his first 



THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 7 

customer so he's pretty green at the business. Let me 
try this slipper on. [Picks it up.] Jack, did you use a 
shoe horn? 

Jack [sulkily] : No, I didn't. Should you? 

Mr. Wilson : Of course. No wonder you had trouble put- 
ting it on. [Puts it on her foot.] There, it fits perfectly, 
Miss Moffat. You have such pretty feet, it's a pleasure 
to fit them. 

Betty : I 'm glad you think so. Mr. Wilson. I '11 take them. 
How much are they? 

Mr. Wilson : They 're twelve dollars. Miss Moffat, but see- 
ing that you've had so much annoyance with our new 
clerk, I'm going to let you have them for eleven, ninety- 
five. [Wraps them up.] 

Betty [gathering parasol, purse etc.] : Thank you, Mr. 
Wilson. Charge them to dad. [Takes parcel and goes 
towards door R.] Grood-bye. 

Jack [rushes to open door] : Good-bye, Betty. I'll see 
you at the dance. 

Betty [haughtily] : You'll not fail to see my big feet, at 
any rate, Mr. Wilson. [Exit.] 

Jack [sinks into chair] : The dearest thing in boots ! And 
now I've made her so mad that she'll never speak to me 
again. All over a measely half-size in slippers. Who'd 
think a girl could be so silly ! 

Mr. Wilson : That 's the great ide^a, my son. You're learn- 
women out of ten want boots too small for them and 
won't take anything else. That's why women can endure 
pain better than men ; they get used to it, breaking in 
tight shoes. 

Jack: The Chinese have nothing on them, believe me! 
[Shakes finger at father.] And you old fraud you, you 
side in with them and then later on sell them corn 
plasters and bunion-easers and arch-supports and all the 
rest of the instruments of torture. 



8 THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 

Mr. Wilson : That's the great idea, by son. You're learn- 
ing fast. But you must confess that my method is better 
than sending a customer away angry, and it has put you 
through college, besides, remember that. 

Jack : I do dad. Rule number six — always tell a woman 
that you're sure she takes a half-size smaller boot than 
you know she does. 

Mr. Wilson: That's it. As a rule it ticklesi them all to 
pieces. And you get their money and their good-will to 
boot. [Bell tinkles.] Here's another customer. Better 
luck this time. [Exit Mr. Wilson. Jack busies himself 
at table. 

Enter Miss Firmrock. 

Jack; How do you do. Miss Firmrock, and what can I 
do for you today ? 

Miss Firmrock : Young man, before I buy anything from 
you, I must know how you stand on the woman suffrage 
question. Do you believe that women should take an 
active part in politics now that they are given the vote? 

Jack [taken back] : Do I believe what? 

Miss Firmrock: That women should mix up in politics. 
[Emphasize words by pounding floor with umbrella.] 

Jack [aside] : Now what in the dickens does she want me 
to say? From her wording, I'd say she was agin the 
petticoat government. [Aloud grandliquently.] My 
dear Madam, the woman's place is in the home, cooking 
the meals, keeping the house clean, — er — er — making 
'the children's dresses er — er — winding up the cat and 
putting the clock out. Why should women need to enter 
into politics? Is not her influence greater at home? 
Who has not heard that beautiful and noble sentiment — 
''The hand that rides the cradle rocks the world. [Aside.] 
Gee, I didn't know I was such a speaker. [Starts to 
strut.] I hope dad got that. 



THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 9 

Miss Firmrock: I knew as soon as I looked at you that 
you were one of these lordly males, who believe in keeping 
women a slave, a household drudge, with no more rights 
than the criminal, the child and the imbecile. If women 
do not help to do the governing, who is going to make 
decent laws? Who is going to see that the bachelor pays 
twice as much in taxes as the man who has a family to 
support ? Wlio is going to make this beautiful country of 
ours a.decent place to live in? The men? [Scornfully.] 
They've had their try at it ever since Columbus discov- 
ered America. And what have they accomplished? 
[S7iaps her fingers.] Not that! I want nothing from 
you sir. I shall bny only in a store where woman is not 
trodden upon. [Starts to go.] 

Jack [aside] : Imagine me treadding on the likes of her? 
But good-night! I've backed the wrong horse. How 
in the world am I going to fix it? [Taps his head.] I've 
got it ! A little bit of soft soap goes a long way. 
[Aloua.] Miss Firmrock, one moment, please. [She turns 
at door.] I had never given the matter any thought or 
I certainly wouldn't have said what I did. But you have 
. enlightened me. [Bowing.] You have made me see that 
women must enter the political arena to fight the beasts 
of bachelor's vice and — and — no^ — backed dresses! You 
have shown me that men as uplifters are failures, that 
women alone can reform the world. Miss Firmrock, how 
can I thank you? 

Miss Firmrock [comics hack to C shakes his hand] : It 
gives me great pleasure to know a man who is so open 
to convictions as you are, Mr. Wilson; and I will feel 
that I have accomplished something in life since I have 
converted you- to our cause. But really Mr. Wilson I 
never knew that you were such an orator. I am going 
to put you down for a speech at our Women 's Club next 
Wednesday evening. How will this subject suit you. 
*'The Failures Men Have Made." [Takes out note-hook 
and writes.] 



10 THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 

Jack [aside, pretending to faint against table] : Suffering 
cats, what next! [Aloud.] My dear Miss Firmrock, 
[aside]Gee, it sounds like a proposal. [Aloud.] I've 
never made a speech in public in all my life and I — 

Miss Firmrock [interrupts] : Then it's lime you were 

beginning. 
Jack [desparately] : Oh, really, I can't possibly go that 

night ; I have another engagement ; I — I — you see I 

have to go to prayer meeting. 

Miss Firmrock: To prayer meeting! I've never seen 
you tliere in my life, so you can put off your starting for 
another week. 

Jack [aside] : If I don't have nervous prostration by 
then, there's nothing for it but to get myself smashed up 
in an auto accident. [Aloud.] Well, I'll do my best. 
Miss Firmrock. Were 3^ou wanting to buy anything? 

Miss Firmrock: Yes, a pair of boots. ^ 

Jack [pidls chair out] : Now just sit here, Miss Firmrock 
and I'll fit you. What size do you take? 

Miss Firmrock : Six and a half. 

Jack [aside as he gets a box from table] : Now, let me 
see; the rule I've learned by bitter experiences is, ''Tell 
the dears they have such little feet you're sure they 
should take a smaller size. Very well, I'll just do that 
little thing. [Aloud.] Now let me try these sixes on you, 
Miss Firmrock. I'm sure you can't take a larger size 
than that, you have such little feet. [Gets down on 
knees to fit shoe. Miss F. boxes his ears and he tumbles 
over."] 

Miss Firmrock: How dare you make fun of my feet! 
[Whacky him with umbrella. Jack jumps up.] I know 
they're large and I'm proud of it. The only people 
capable of having big ideas in their heads are the ones 
with feet large enough to give them a good understanding. 
[Grabs parcels.] I'd like you to know that I'm not a 



THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 11 

silly, giggling fashion-plate who insults her feet by stick- 
ing them into shoCvS far too small for them and then 
minces along with her heels raised on stilts. I can see 
you can't suit me so I'll try another store, and you 
needn't bother about that speech, either. We can manage 
without it. [Goes towards door R.] 

Enter Mr. Wilson. 

Mr. Wilson [goes forward and' shakes hands] : How-do- 
you do, Miss Firmrock. Allow me to congratulate you 
on the excellent work you did in the prohibition cam- 
paign It's women like you who are bringing about the 
reforms that are so badly needed in this country. And 
did you get the boots you wanted? 

Miss Firmrock: No, I didn't, this son of yours insulted 
me, sir. 

Mr. Wilson: Oh, I'm sure he didn't do it intentionally. 
But it is his first day at the shoe business and he hasn't 
gotten onto the hang of it yet. It is a pair of boots you 
were wanting? 

Miss Firmrock [appeased] : Yes, a good sensible boot 
that I don't have to be thinking about all the time. 

Mr. Wilson: We have the very thing. [Takes hox from 
table and shows her a very large hoot.] This size is 
seven as it doesn't come in half sizes. You see it has a low 
heel, wide last, cushion sole, everything that tends for 
comfort. The price is twenty dollars and thirty cents. 

Miss Firmrock: I like the boot immensely, but I wouldn't 
think of paying such a price. It's exhorbitant. 

Mr. Wilson: Not for this boot, Madam. This is a very 
special boot, designed for broadminded women by the 
greatest suffragette leacler the world has ever known. 
[Impressively.] Madam, this is the Pankhurst boot you 
see before you. We are not allowed to sell it to anyone 
who has not done something for the great cause. You 
have proved yourself worthy, Miss Firmrock. [Bows.] 



12 THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 

Miss Firmrock [flattered] : Oh, Mr. Wilson, do you really 
think so? I'll take them and [gitshes] every time I wear 
them, I'll feel as though they were a bond uniting that 
noble woman and me — and I'll recommend them to every 
woman I know. 

Mr. Wilson : In that case, I'll give them to you for twenty 
and a quarter. Would you like to try them on? 

Miss Firfnro<;k [pays] : Oh no, I'll wait until I get home. 
[Takes hoots.] Good afternoon, Mr. Wilson. I hope 
you'll be able to make something out of your son some 
day. He certainly doesn't seem to take after you. 

Mr. Wilson: No, I can't say that he does. He is just 
like his mother. [Exit Miss Firmrock.] 

Jack [mops In's hroiv] : Good lord, dad. If I have any 
more of this, I'll be a stark, staring lunatic by tonight. 
[Shakes finger at him.] And I'll never trust your old 
rules again. Look what that one did for me. 

Mr. Wilson: But there's an exception to every rule, 
and if you knew anything about feminine psychology, 
you would know at a glance that Miss Firmrock was the 
exception, the one out of a thousand. 

Jack: Hang feminine psychology and feminine vanity 
and feminine feet and feminine everything else ! A gents' 

establishment for mine ! [Brightens up.] But this last 
failure of mine has saved you a mighty lot of money and 
worry, dad. 

Mr. Wilson : How do you make that out ? 

Jack : It has prevented you from having your car smashed 
to pieces and your son in the hospital. [Bell tinkles.] 
By jove, here's another customer. This is a Jonah day 
for son Jack, all right. 

Mr. Wilson : That's a queer name to apply to a busy day. 



THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 13 

Jack: Well, I'm having a whale of a time, aren't I? 

Exit Mr. Wilson^ laughing, at door L. Enter Mrs. Atkins 

at door B. 

Jack: Good-morning, Mrs. Atkins, and what can I do for 
you this afternoon? 

Mrs. Atkins : Will you show me your litest style in boots? 

Jack [puzzled] : Lightest? Do you mean boots with thin 
soles ? 

Mrs. Atkins: No, it's good 'eavy walkin' boots I want, 
but they must be in the litest style. I always gets the 
litest in everything. Me 'usband, 'ee tells me I hain't 
anything if not stylish. 

Jack: Is it something in white you were wanting? That 
is the lightest color we keep. [Gets ivhite hoots.] 

Mrs. Atkins : Oh, no. I want black so that I can wear 
them every day. 

Jack: But you said you wanted the lightest — 

Mrs. Atkins: Yes, the litest in black. 

Jack [aside] : The lightest in black! The woman must 
be crazy! 
Mr. Wilson comes to door. Mrs. A. examines hoots. 

Mr. Wilson [aside to Jack] : Latest, latest, you chump ! 
Don 't you know^ she 's English ? 

Jack [aside]: I get you! [Aloud.] Oh, you mean the 
latest, Mrs. Atkins? 

Mrs. Atkins [tartl'i/] -. Isn't that what I said, the litest 
in black ? 

Jack [hurriedly] : Yes, certainly, Mrs. Atkins, and we 
have the very latest here; never keep any other kind, in 
fact. [Places chair for her.] Just take this chair, please. 
[Aside.] Now, which class dees she belong to, the size 
smaller or size larger? Blest, if I know. I'll try her 



14 THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 

on dad's Pankhurst dope first. Shouldn't wonder but 
she would fall for that when she's so English. [Takes 
shoe from fable and holds it up.] Here, madam, you 
have before you the very latest thing in boots, no other 
than the Pankhurst, designed by the celebrated suffragette 
leader herself and — [Mrs. Atkins knocks 1)001 out of 
his hand.] Why what's the matter? 

Mrs. Atkins [vehemently] : Don't you dare to sell me a 
boot that horrid woman's 'ad anything to do with. 

Jack [aside] : Struck it wrong again. Oh the contrariness 
of woman. [Aloud.] But my dear madam, surely you're 
an admirer of the woman who was the greatest pioneer 
in fighting for the vote for women? 

Mrs. Aikins [j^imps up excitedly] : That's the very reason 
I 'ate 'er. Votes for wimen ! What does wimen want 
with votes? Us women 'ave enough to do to cook our 
'usbands' meals and tend the childrens' noses and clean 
up the 'ouse after the man 's gone to work, leaving hashes 
and mud all over the floor, the way he does. [Looks at 
hoo'ts on table.] 

Jack [aside, indicating fourth fi7iger] : This finger says, 
Agree with everything a customer says. [Aloud.] That's 
my idea, entirely, Mrs. Atkins. I agree with you there. 

Mrs. Atkins [turns on him] : What do you know about 
it, young man? 

Jack [confused] : Why, I — I — 

Mrs. Atkins: Hit's me who's 'ad to suffer on account of 
the wimen being given the vote. My 'usband, 'ee's a 
great one for electioneering, 'ee 'is, but he never used 
to leave me alone at nights until wimen got the frances. 
[Sohs.] H 'ever since then, 'ee's been spending 'is 'eve- 
nings in other wimen 's 'omes, teaching them how to vote 
and he's never h'at 'ome any more except for his meals. 
Ee do be regular for them, I must si. Ee 'as such an 
appetite. [Sighs deeply several times.] 



THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 15 

Jack [aside] : So that's where the shoe pinches ! [Aloud.] 
Now, that's too bad, Mrs. Atkins. I don't blame you for 
not wanting the Pankhurst boot. I wouldn't wear it 
myself. I'll show yoii something else. What size? 

Mrs. Atkins: And you'd sigh, too, young man, if you had 
the troubles I've had, with your 'usband finding fault 
with the cooking ever since other wimen have been feed- 
ing him up and — 

Jack [htcrriedly] : What size boot do you take? That's 
what I meaUj Mrs. Atkins. 

Mrs. Atkins [gets ready io go] : It doesn't matter wot 
size I tike, for I'm not tiking any boots. That's the only 
style of boot I want hand I'd buy it in a minute if it 
didn't 'ave that odious woman's nime connected with it. 
Not content with breaking windows, she 'as to break up 
'omes, too, the hussy. [Goes towards door R. Good- 
fa 'afternoon, sir. 

Enter Mr. Wilson. 

Mr. Wilson: Why, good-afternoon, Mrs. Atkins. I trust 
you've been served satisfactorily? 

Mrs. Atkins [tartly] : No, I 'aven't, not with the Pank- 
hurst boot. 

Mr. Wilson [picks up hoot] : Jack, why didn't you show 
her this anti-suffragette style. I'm sure Mrs. Atkins 
would like this. 

Mrs. Atkins: The H'ante-suffragettef Why, 'ee told' 
me it was the Pankhurst and — 

Mr. Wilson [looks surprised] : Why, Jack, however could 
yon make such a mistake as that? The Pankhurst is a 
different shoe, altogether. Only dowdy people wear 
them. I wouldn't think of trying to sell that shoe to 
yoii, Mrs. Atkins. But you'll have to make allowance 
for my son, here. You see this is his first day in selling 



16 THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 

and he really doesn't know one style from the other. 
But he'll soon learn. 

Jack [aside as he tidies up the tables] : Not in a thousand 
years, believe me ! 

Mrs. Atkins : I 'ope so, but 'ee doesn't look any too bright, 
Mr. Wilson. [Jack shakes fist in her direction.] 

Mr. Wilson: Everyone says he takes after his mother. 
[Holds up hoof.] Now, this is the very latest thing we 
have, worn by all the fashionable and sensible ladies who 
are against this tomfoolery of women voting and enter- 
ing into politics. It does notliing but break up homes 
and — and — would you like to try it on ? 

Mrs. Atkins [hurriedly] : Oh no, I'm sure it's the right 
size by the looks of it. [Aside.] I wouldn't for h 'any- 
thing let him see the'ole where my big toe 'as worked 
through my stocking. [Aloud.] I'll tike them, Mr. Wil- 
son if they're not too expenses. 

Mr. Wilson : The price is ten dollars and forty-five cents, 
but I'm only charging you ten-forty on account of the 
trouble you have had with my son. [Wraps hoots up.] 

Mrs. Atkins: H'all right, Mr. Wilson, Atkins will be in 
to piy for them Saturday night when 'ee gits his week's 
wages. [Takes parcel.] Good h 'afternoon, sir. [Turns 
towards Jack.] And to you too, sir. I ain't 'olding any 
'ard feelings agin you. You didn't know any better. 
[Exit.] 

Jack [wildly rumples hair as he strides hack and forth] : 
Good heavens, this is awful. [Stops in front of Mr. Wil- 
son.] Do you see any change in my hair, dad? 

Mr. Wilson: No, why? 

Jack: Then it hasn't turned grey? 

Mr. Wilson [laughs] -. It will take more than that to turn 
your head grey. But I thought you were going to put 
it all over the dears until they would be tumbling over 
each other to buy. Have I quoted you correctly? 



THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 17 

Jack: That's right, rub it in. But when I said that, I 
didn't know that I had to be a politician and a feminine 
psychologist and — and an accomplished liar in order to 
sell a woman a pair of boots. 

LIji. Wilson: Not a liar son. Be careful what you call 
your respected parent. 

Jack: Well, if what you have been doing all afternoon 
isn't lying, I'd like to know what you'd call it. 

Mr. Wilson : Diplomacy, my boy. 

Jack: The same thing under a fancy name. 

Mr. Wilson : Not at all. A lie is telling what is absolutely 
untrue. Diplomacy is — is — oh yes, it is a skillful juggling 
of the truth. [Bell tinkles.] Here comes your next 
triumph. I tell you what I'll do, I'll give you ten 
dollars for every pair of boots, shoes or slippers that 
you sell. [Exit door L.] 

Jack: I guess he knows his money's safe. 

Enter Mrs. O'Brien, loaded up with htmdles. 

Mrs. O'Brien [drops bundles on table and mops brow.] : 
The saints presarve us, it is a hot day and it's the loikes 
of me that knows it, bendin' over the washboard ivery day 
of me loife, ceptin' the blissed howly-day^ doin' other 
folk's worruk while they dressin silks and satin. Shure 
and Oim afther thinking things ain't avenly divided in 
this worruld, they ain't . [Fans herself ivith- hat.] 

Jack [aside] : She's a living eight-day clock. [Aloud.] 
They sure aren't, Mrs. O'Brien, I agree with you there. 

Mrs. O'Brien: And be yez a socialist loike meself? 

Jack: Sure thing. I've never been anj'-thing else. 

Mrs. O'Brien : Then yez belave the rich should share with 
the downtrodden poor? 

Jack [aside] : Rule 4. Always agree etc. [Aloud.] Cer- 
tainly they should share and share alike I say. 



18 THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 

Mrs. O'Brien [Throws arms around him] : Shure and yez 
is a bohy afther me own heart. [Jack frees himself.] 
It be a pity that yer father ain't afther 'belavin' the same 
as yez. But he's a harriid skin-flit, he is and Oi'm only 
afther hopin' that yez don't be takin' afther him. 

Jack [goes to door L and says aside] : Get that dad? The 
shoe's on the other foot now. [Aloud.] I don't. He 
was just telling a customer a few minutes ago that I 
wasn't the least bit like him. And what can I sell you 
today? [As Mrs. O'Brien talks, he gets behind her and 
pretends to wind her up.] 

Mrs. O'Brien: Shure and Oim afther buyin' shoes for all 
the chilrun. There's Betsy aged noine, she's me roight- 
hand girrul. Then there's Pat ond Moike, twins they be 
both borrun at the same toime and sick limbs of Satan 
yez niver see, bless their hearuts. They're siveu. Then 
there's Norah, she's foive, the swatest crathcT that iver 
wuz hit she wears out her souls loike they wuz paper. 
And there's the baby, he's jest era pin', his name be 
Rory afther his dad. 

Jack [picks up large box] : Here is just what you need, 
Mrs. O'Brien, boots in family lots. [Empties them out.] 
They come cheaper that way. [Pulls out very small shoe.] 
Now, these are just the thing for Betsy. 

Mrs. 'Brien : Bless me sowl ! Me Betsy could niver git 
aven her big toe into the loikes of them. They 're more 
Norah 's size. 

Jack: That's right. I meant Norah. My mistake. [Pidls 
out two pairs.] And these will suit the twins, Rory and 

Mike— 

Mrs. O'Brien: Shure and Rory is six years behint Moike 
in ^omin' into the worrulch It's Pat — 

Jaci'*: Oh yes, of course, Pat and Mike. They always go 
together. Well these will suit — 



THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 19 

Mrs. O'Brien: But shure and me Pat tikes a larger size 
than Moike as his fate are bigger. 

Jack: All the better, one of these is a size larger than 
the other. Family lots are always sold that way. Now 
here's the baby's [holds up hootees] and here's 
[holds up a larger sJioe] one pair for the baby to grow 
into as its — [Mrs. O'Brien throws up her hands.] AVhy, 
what's the matter? 

Mrs. O'Brien: Och, a — nee — o! And it's mesilf that be 
the nnnathural parunt. Oi don't be desarvin' to have 
chilrun, Oi don't. Here be me Danny at home waitin' 
to fill them shoes and me forgittin' all about the darlint. 
Oi'll be afther takin' them all, Misther Wilson, and plaze 
wrap them in that pi'tcher page. [Points to eolored 
supplement.] So that the chilrun can look at the pitchers. 
[Jack wraps them ^ip.] 

Jack [aside] : Six pairs of shoes and dad has promised me 
ten dollars a pair. Pretty good buisness, I'll tell the 
world. [Aloud.] These come to twenty-three dollars 
and seventy cents, Mrs. O'Brien, but to encourage the 
raising of large families, I'll just charge twenty-three, 
sixty-eight. Will you pay for them now or have them 
charged? [Gives her the shoes.] 

Mrs. O'Brien [indignantly] : Pay, did yez say? And 
whoiver talked of payin'? Wuzun't yez jist afther 
sayin' yez wuz a socialist and yez belaved the rich should 
share with the poor and — 

Jack: Yes, but — 

Mrs. O'Brien [interrupts] : And ain't yez rich and me 
as poor as Paddy's pig afther they took it's straw bed 
away? Niver a cint will Oi be afther payin'. -[Starts 
towards door R.] 

Jack: Oh, but I didn't mean that you could cart away 
the whole — 



20 THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 

Mrs. 'Brien : Then yez should say phwat yez mane and 
mane phwat yez say. Oi wuz jist afther takin' yez at 
yer worrud. [Oj^ens door.] 

Mr. Wilson [comes in quickly] : Just a minute, Mrs. 
O'Brien. 

Mrs. O'Brien [drops hmidles] : Howly Moses, and where 
be yez lafther comin' from? 

Mr. Wilson [picks up shoes] : From the back of th.e store 
and Mrs. O'Brien, I'm very sorry, but you can't have 
these shoes unless you pay cash for them. 

Mrs. O'Brien: Pay cash? And Oi'd loike to know how 
the loikes of me can pay cash whin li haven't a cint to 
my name. Bad cess to yez, yez ould skin-flint. [Shakes 
fist ill his face.] Yez would skin a flea for its hide, yez 
wouhl. May the saints forgit yez and the devil fly away 
with yez. [Exit.] 

Jack: Merciful heavens, dad, isn't she a howly terror? 
But what gets me is after raising my hope to the high 
pinnacle of sixty dollars, she shooed them away, worse 
luck! I confess, dad, that I'm an out and out failure. 
I've never put in such a day in all my life. I'll sell 
newspapers, shovel coal, dig ditches or — ^or — ^or even 
teach school before I'll put in another. I'm through. 
Not another customer will I wait on for all the money 
in the world. [Bell tinkles.] There goes that darned 
bell. It's me for the back shop this time. [Hurries 
toward door L.] 

Mr. Wilson [looks toward entrance] : Why, it's Betty 
Moffat back, I wonder — 

Jack [rushes hack] : I'll wait on her, dad. Clear out. 

Enter Betty. 

Mr. Wilson : But I thought— 

Jack: Don't, it's bad for the brain. Hustle. [Exit Mr. 
Wilson.] Why, Bett— Miss Moffat, I didn't think— 



THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 21 

Betty [mischievously] : Don't, it's bad for the brain. 
[Both laugh.] I've come back to tell you you were right 
and — 

Jack [puzzled] : Right 1 "What about ? 

Betty: Why about those slippers; they are too small for 
me. 

Jack [aside] : Hanged if I hadn't forgotten all about 
that, but goodness knows I've had enough other things to 
worry about. [Aloud.] Oh, no, Betty, I'm sure they 
are the right size ; you have such dear little — 

Betty: But they are too small I tried to dance in them 
when I got home and they hurt my feet like everything. 

Jack [te7iderly] : Poor little feet! 

Betty: And I want a half size larger. [Sits doivn. Jack 
gets slippers and knecJs to fit them.] And — and I'm 
awfully sorry. Jack, that I was so horrid. I've got a 
nasty, mean temper and — 

Jack: Now, don't you dare eall yourself names. Why 
Betty, you're the sweetest girl that ever lived, you're — 
you 're the dearest thing in boots ! 

Betty: That's just what daddy says when he gets the 
bills for them. 

Jack: Oh, but I didn't mean it that way I — [Aside.] 
Hang it, I wish dad weren't taking in every word I say. 
[Calls.] Dad, come on out here and mind your robber's 
den 3^ours'elf for awhile. Betty and I are going to the 
ice-cream parlor. Come on, Betty. [Drags her a few 
steps with one pump on.] 

Betty: Really Jack, don't you think I ought to put my 
other pump on first? I wouldn't like to go like this. 
What would people say? 

Jack: What a dear little foot ! [Puts her slipper on her 
foot.] Here you are. Come on. [Exit Betty and Jack 
hand in hand.] 



22 THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS 

Mr. Wilson [Filters, picks up slipper and shakes his head] : 
The dearest thing in boots, eh? He's not far off for I'll 
never be able to sell these. But what's a pair of these 
to my boy's happiness? [Pours out glass of wafer and 
raises it.] So here's to the dearest thing in boots — and 
may they ever continue to buy them — the ladies, Grod 
bless them. [Drinks.] 

CURTAIN 



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Special Day Entertainments 

BEST CHRISTMAS PANTOMIMES— Irish $0.40 

CHOICE CHRISTMAS DIALOGUES AND PLAYS—Irish 40 

CHOICE CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENTS— Irish 40 

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CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER— Guptiil ^ 

CHRISTMAS EVE AT MULLIGAN'S— Irish 25 

CHRISTMAS SPEAKIN' AT SKAGGS' SKULE— Irish 25 

IN A TOY SHOP— Preston 25 

THE PRIMARY CHRISTMAS BOOK— Irish 40 

PUMPKIN PIE PETER— Irish 25 

THE REUNION AT PINE KNOT RANCH— Irish 25 

SNOWBOUND FOR CHRISTMAS— Preston 25 

A STRIKE IN SANTA LAND— Preston 25 

A THANKSGIVING CONSPIRACY— Irish 25 

A THANKSGIVING DREAM— Preston 25 

A TOPSY-TURVY CHRISTMAS— Guptill 25 

Dialogues and Children's Plays 

ALL IN A GARDEN FAIR— Wilbur $0.25 

DOLLS ON DRESS PARADE— Preston 25 

A PARTY IN MOTHER GOOSE LAND— Preston 25 

SNAPPY HUMOROUS DIALOGUES— Irish .40 

Recitations and Pantomimes 

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OLD TIME SONGS PANTOMIMED— Irish 40 

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THE DEAREST THING IN BOOTS— MacKenzie $0.25 

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THE GREAT WHISKEY STEALING CASE— Richardson 25 

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THAT AWFUL LETTER— MacKenzie 25 

THE UNEXPECTED GUEST— MacKenzie 25 

Monologues 

AS OUR WASHWOMAN SEES IT— MacKenzie $0.25 

ASK OUIJ A— MacKenzie 25 

THE COUNTRY COUSIN SPEAKS HER MIND— MacKenzie . . .25 

GLADYS REVIEWS THE DANCE— MacKenzie .25 

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SHE SAYS SHE STUDIES— MacKenzie 25 

SUSAN GETS READY FOR CHURCH— MacKenzie 25 

PAINE PUBLISHING CO. Dayton, Ohio 



Entertainr 



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CHOICE CHRISTMAS n ni/i ohh no^ a ^ larie Irish 

For children of all UU14^n 981 A # , 8 mono- 

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CHOICE CHRISTMAS DIALOGUES AND PL AYS... By Marie Irish 
Ten dialogues for Primary Grades, 10 dialogues for Intermediate 
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CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER By Elizabeth F. Guptill 

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IN A TOY SHOP By Effa E. Preston 

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THE REUNION AT PINE KNOT RANCH By Marie Irish 

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PAINE PUBLISHING GO. Dayton, Ohio 



